Prison Ain't Just a Cage
by flashwitch
Summary: Neal was a convict not that long ago. Now he's helping the Feds. He's caught in between, not one thing or the other and trying to figure out who he's supposed to be. Prequel to Stockholm Ain't Just a City in Sweden


**Lots of angst and no real plot. Comes before Stockholm Ain't just a City in Sweden. All violence is merely implied, but may trigger. Hints of prison violence (possible guard abuse, non-con, etc), but nothing is actually described and it's vague enough that it's up to the reader to decide what actually happened. **

* * *

There's before and there's after. That's clear enough. What no one understands though is that there is no during. When you're in there, you cease to exist. You just stop and you don't start again until you're out. It's not that way for everyone, some thrive in there. But Neal doesn't... didn't. Some days were better than others, and once he had a supply chain up getting luxuries things got better. But he still wasted away without the sun. Without the freedom. But he doesn't think about that. Not about what happened, what he did to survive. He's out now and he's alive again.

What happened during doesn't count. It doesn't exist. It didn't happen to him.

It surprises him, how easy it is to box up and put away. The first week is the hardest. He instinctively responds to orders, even when they're not directed at him. He flinches away from touch. He stops in front of doors, expecting them to open for him. It all passes though and passes quickly. No one even notices. The sleeping thing though, that doesn't go away so fast. He doesn't sleep well anymore. He's always listening for others, the guards, the prisoners. But there's nothing.

The first night at June's he leaves the lights on all night. He can do that now. No one will tell him different. The next morning he showers until the water runs cold, enjoying the novelty. He's alone in the bathroom. There's no one pushing or trying things. There's water doesn't turn off after fifteen minutes.

He doesn't have to wear a uniform. He glories in the wonders of Byron's closet.

He eats fresh fruit; he doesn't have to taste the can. He's annoyed to find his tastes have changed. Anything too sweet, too spicy, it turns his stomach after so long of so much blandness. He loses weight, trying to rediscover what he likes.

He is careful to appear normal. Because appearance is nine tenths of the con. Make yourself believe it and they'll believe it.

He walks around the very edge of his radius. He needs to get a feel for the new edges, the invisible bars and fences keeping him in. It's still a prison, he realises slowly, but it's of a different type. This is better.

The hardest thing is making his brain work again, following new paths. He was a convict not long ago, and now he's a what? He's not a cop, not really, but he almost is. It's... during, when he was in there, there were two groups of people. In each group there were sub-groups, but the important groups were the main two groups. Guards and convicts. He's too close to being a guard now, but he's still very much a convict and he doesn't know what to make of that.

At the back of his head there's a little voice. It says 'What if we have to go back?' That's what scares him. Not just because he's getting use to being free. Not just because this prison is better than the one he'd left. But because of what he is now. He's not just a pretty boy thief anymore, and that was bad enough. Now he's a snitch and a cop-by-proxy. The other convicts would hate him. If he was to get thrown back into prison, it would be because he's betrayed Peter. Betrayed the Feds. The guards would hate him for that. He'd be in solitary forever, or he'd get shanked in the showers, or he'd be made someone else's pet.

He may be getting used to a leash, but he doesn't want to be anyone's pet. Not there. Not like that.

There's another little voice which asks 'what happens when we're free? When the anklet is gone?' He shouldn't be scared of that. He shouldn't worry about how he isn't sure how he will cope being given unlimited choice. He imagines that when the anklet comes off for good, he'll just freeze, overwhelmed with the options.

He doesn't talk about this with anyone.

He lets Mozzie make decisions for them both when it comes to crime. He lets Peter make decisions for them both when it comes to crime fighting.

It's easier for all of them.

He's losing himself; little bits of Neal Caffrey drifting away into the ether. He doesn't know how to stop it, so he just goes along.

He might be out of prison, but he's a long way from free.


End file.
